A River Runs Through Me

As is par for the course in my life, I no sooner take two weeks holidays than I come down with food poisoning...without leaving my apartment! For the last three days I have been taking in air and giving out water, usually at 15 minute intervals and from the wrong orifice, water of the sort that bears comparison to only such rivers as the Liffey. I am not a well man. I am not a happy man. Stravinsky has taken up composing in my large intestine using the Black Sabbath Philharmonic as the sounding board for his ideas. I am a noisy man. I could give you even more information than you need to know, but instead I will pause out of respect for my audiences' delicate imaginations.