Sadistic Memory
It's a sad fact of this human's condition that I rarely recall the successes in my life, only the regrets. I suppose it's a spur to do better, but it doesn't make for happy mornings. In true Proustian tradition, a smell, a person at a bus stop, a time of year will recall past indignities, errors of judgment or lost opportunities. Lost opportunities, that's a big one. Of course, were it not for the 'mistakes' of the past we would never have the treasures of the present, chief among those, friends.
I'm also conscious of something of a misrepresentation in the above; just recently I have been remembering some good things, especially of my recent travels. What I have seen! What I have seen. Just sitting at a Bangkok breakfast table waiting for an omelette, staring at the small pool. The spaceship in the car park in Coober Pedy. Or the smell in Rotorua, waiting for the bus to bring us to a hangi. Or puffing up the Great Wall with that poor Mongolian woman smiling ahead. The iced bay spread below me from that snowy hill in Antarctica. Even cleaning my boats when I got back on the boat. Great moments. The past.
Is it that we voyeuristically remember the wonders we have seen, but relive regretfully our actions? I don't think so. I cleaned the boots. That was my action. Obligatory, I'll grant you, but an act of mine all the same. It's my present that dictates how I remember the past. I'm just in a melanholy frame of mind...most of the time.
Still the memory, unbidden, seem to act in a peculiarly sadistic way. I'll just have to concentrate more on the future.
posted by Niall @ 9:49 am
1 Comments:
Niall, it may be useful to be bear in mind that it is something approaching impossible at this time of year to be anything other than nostalgic, sentimental, melancholic or ruminative. We all know that smell(s) can trigger "deep" memories and the more distinctive a smell is, or the more you have an emotional connection to the smell, the more likely it is to trigger these almost mystical experiences of recall. This phenomena is well documented and could probably be found with a little effort on Wikipedia or similar. I too experience some of feelings you describe. I attribute them mostly however to the smells brought about by the natural changes happening at this time of year. There is a wondeful rotting, musty, leafy, rainy, dank smell I can trace back to a particular phase at university that I am particularly fond of - the phase that is. Before I re-experienced this combination of smells here in Germany last year, I believed it was an exclusively Irish smell. This smell triggered an accutely painful nostalgia but also great joy. It was a beautiful gift to be able to mentally travel back in time, to think about events, hear the music, imagine the scenes and see the people again. Beautiful. All brought about by a smell. (Imagine what you could do with drugs!?). A friend of mine here listens to 'dark music' at this time of year and saves the light stuff for summer. I think what you're describing is possibly more influenced by a changing environment than by any inherent tendency to melancholy. I believe this because otherwise, 80% of the readers of this BLOG would have to class themselves as melancholic. Something I for one am not going to do! Regret has beautiful qualities and indeed strengths, but I don't think it builds a life. Looking forward to seeing you in Spain. Phil.
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